Mom and I were discussing my recent trip to Tampa, talking about how we needed to go back so my uncle could do a DNA test for our Ancestry. It was just casual conversation, something to plan for in the future. Then, out of nowhere, the phone rang. A family friend was on the line. I watched Mom’s face change as she listened, and then she told me: they found my uncle dead.

My mind barely had time to register the words before the first thought hit me…We’re just getting back from burying Vanessa.

It didn’t feel real. I haven’t even fully processed the last couple of deaths in our family. Now, another one. The day we found out, I barely got a wink of sleep. I tried everything to distract myself; music, scrolling social media, even a little brandy, but nothing numbed the pain. I had just started a new jigsaw puzzle, hoping to lose myself in the rhythm of finding the right pieces, but I couldn’t even focus on it. The pieces blurred together, just like everything else.

The Rollercoaster of Emotions

Grief is never straightforward, but back-to-back loss adds another layer of exhaustion. I feel like I’m stuck in a loop, constantly bracing for bad news. Every time the phone rings, especially at an unusual hour, my stomach tightens. I can’t shake the fear of “Who is it this time?“

I still haven’t fully come to terms with my grandma’s passing in 2023. A month before she died, we lost an aunt unexpectedly. Then last summer, another uncle passed from a stroke. And just when I thought we could breathe, my dad’s two cousins were gone; one from liver disease, the other from a hit-and-run. It’s been one blow after another, and I haven’t had time to grieve one person before shifting my focus to the next.

There’s no rhythm to it, no time to sit with one loss before another piles on top. It’s like trying to catch my breath in the middle of a storm that refuses to let up.

The Impact on Daily Life

I’m grateful to be self-employed because, honestly, I don’t know how I’d function in a traditional work environment right now. My focus is completely shot. My energy levels are crap, and I’ve been waking up later than usual, unable to shake the exhaustion.

This past weekend, WWE had the Royal Rumble. But I just couldn’t watch it. My uncle was a huge wrestling fan; it was all he talked about when I visited him. He would’ve been watching it. The thought of watching without him felt wrong, like a reminder of what’s missing.

Even when I do try to go on about my day, I feel like I’m only half there. I go through the motions, but life is moving forward while I’m still trying to catch up.

Coping When Grief Feels Never-Ending

With everything feeling so heavy, I’ve been looking for anything to keep my mind occupied. Working on content for my brother’s podcast social media has been somewhat of a distraction. And, weirdly enough, my Tamagotchi has helped too. It’s such a small thing, but taking care of it gives me a little sense of control.

I’m not sure if I’m handling grief differently this time or if I’m just too tired to process it like I used to. I’ve been here before, and I know that life doesn’t pause for loss. Responsibilities don’t stop, bills still need to be paid, and the world keeps moving, whether I’m ready or not. But that doesn’t make it any easier.

Accepting the Unpredictability of Loss

There’s no “right” way to grieve. No guidebook for how to navigate loss, especially when it keeps coming like this. Some days, I feel like I have a handle on it. Other days, it’s like I’m standing in quicksand.

Right now, I’m just taking it day by day. Sometimes, that means focusing on work. Other times, it means sitting with the sadness and letting it be. I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that grief isn’t something you move on from, it’s something you learn to live with.

For now, I’ll just keep going, even if it’s at my own pace. Maybe that means eventually watching wrestling when I’m ready, or maybe it means making a cup of tea and just being for a while. Because sometimes, the smallest rituals…the ones that remind us we’re still here…are the ones that help the most.